“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts…” Psalm 51:6a
Yesterday was a slightly traumatic day for our household here in Indonesia as our male lovebird, Fifi, (Yes, there’s a story behind that name) suddenly died. We lay the little cardboard box containing Fifi in the ground and my husband scooped dirt over it as tears welled up in my eyes. “I hate death,” were the words that came to my mind. Each shovel full of dirt brought back memories of burying our five-year-old daughter Hannah almost 14 years ago.
As I pondered my thoughts about death, I realized I was reticent to admit how I was feeling. Immediately, God reminded me of something He had taught me during my first battles with depression about 15 years ago. Somewhere in my younger life I had never learned that it was okay to be honest with God. I thought I needed to come to him already put together, with my raw emotions stuffed inside rather than blurted out in His presence. I really didn’t think He would be okay with my negative emotions.
During Hannah’s illness and the grief following her death, God gave me plenty of practice at my new skill of being transparent with Him. I was surprised that He wasn’t put off by my emotions, even when I was angry with Him or didn’t like what He was allowing to happen in my life. In fact, somehow by being honest with Him, it drew me closer to Him. I was truly learning to be in relationship with Him. And now, years later, I needed a gentle reminder.
So, I stopped and admitted to God that I hate death. And I was reminded to daily bring my feelings honestly to the Lord—even when they have to do with a little bird.